Life is like bead shopping...

I love beads. I used to dream of being a bead artist...in fact I was one for awhile. My beadwork waxes and wanes with the orbit of moon beams dancing in my house of creativity. Sometimes they are in slumber for many years...but my love of beads never falters. One day, as I was whipping out my credit card to buy yet more beads, I decided that instead of beating myself up for not doing any beadwork, I would not set the expectation of creating any but would now label myself a bead collector. That covers a multitude of sins and puts it in the realm of religious icons. After all, when I go bead shopping it is a spiritual experience. I enter the doors of any bead shop with great expectations. I am filled with the ecstasy of potential as I grab a basket to fill with goodies. The glitz and glitter of beads call to my soul and I grab one thing then the next, then the next, then the next....until my basket is full and I've hardly gone ten feet into the store. But the joy is in collecting and I keep filling my basket until it is time to check out, then I go back through it, connect with my gut, and weed out things that don't look so good anymore, although they did when I first saw them. I put back beads that although lovely, do not fit with my nature and find that I was really thinking of someone else when I grabbed them. Then there are those that are so beautiful I just want to possess them. Put them in a box and save them. But then I realize they'll never see the light of day and they might be better served by someone who will embellish their beauty for all the world to see. Finally, I am left with those that nurture my soul. That go with other things I have purchased. That I can piece together in my head to create something beautiful and unique to me. That carry the potential to create beyond my wildest dreams. Then I pull out my battered credit card, hope it will go through. Carry my treasures home. And pray that someday I will pull them out to play. And create. And fill my soul.

"As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being." Carl Jung

My shadow is boxing with my reality and blocking the sun from lighting my path into my future. Those dark sides of myself that reach out slimy, creepy tentacles stretch farther than I can imagine. They cheat when they box with my life because they wrap those slinky limbs around my essence and choke the life out of it until I take notice. There's no fighting with them, there's only turning on the light of awareness to flood them into the closet until the next time I am not vigilant and the sun sets into my darkness. I look back with regret at those things I did not savor and swirl amidst my taste buds and revel in the beauty of. I now sit at a crossroads of longing to go back but knowing what is behind me no longer "is" – it is now something different. There is no going back, there is only moving forward and claiming my right to be me without amendments to satisfy any others in my life. No more "yes, I'll change and be what you want, just please take me with you." It is now as Abraham says "I be what I be. I'm working on being better, but I be what I be." I stand in my own footprint of life and ask that you travel beside me. Not you in my footprints, nor I in yours. But our footprints traveling along paths leading in the same direction with twists and turns that may separate us for awhile, but eventually lead us back to the same road, where once again, we savor the delicious moments of being together. And when I disappear for awhile, know that I have traversed emotional nightmares and battled beleaguered monsters that never tire of hiding in the undergrowth to pounce when I least expect it. Those are times when I may call out and ask for your shelter...and to please hold me for a little while so I can refuel and head out again. Damn these dark paths that lead me to unknown places laden with fears that I must wade through their thick murky muddy waters until I can come back into the light and once again smile in joy and relief.  And see you.

Mistakes 'R Us

Decisions are not easy for me.  As the years have passed, I have simplified my process and some become snap decisions with the hope that they will not become "snapped" decisions.  Abraham says "make a decision and make the decision right."  In other words, there are no wrong decisions, only bad attitudes about them.  There are always benefits to making what appears to be a mistake - not the least of which is learning that "mistakes" are merely labels that we apply to something to make ourselves, or someone else, feel intense guilt or regret.  Which, by the way, takes away our freedom of choice and hangs us with another label...that of "victim."  We can be victim to our own poor selection process or someone else's.  Perhaps it all goes back to why we're here on this planet, at this time, in this space.  Is it really a random occurrence?  I think there is greater order to the universe than that.  And if there is, then there really is no such thing as a mistake.  It is merely a digression from our psyche's true path and it is a guiding post to get us back on the right path, which is right for the moment, in that time and space.  And, of course, not making a decision, is a decision.

Inner Trust

It's hard for me to know my gut feeling about something.  Having to go through layers of childhood emotional defenses has effectively blocked me off from me and my inner knowing.  But I'm making progress.  I'm beginning to realize that the people in my life either help me to develop my trust for myself or they allow me to push it back within the depths of fear and denial.  When someone close tells me something that stirs my gut, I try to acknowledge the message.  If I mention it and that particular someone says it's ridiculous, I've always reverted to my trauma point behavior pattern -- I assume they are right and I am wrong.  When I do this often enough my gut goes on strike and says "Why, exactly, should I tell you something when all you do is ignore me?"  Gosh, that sounds like my mother!  I knew she was in there somewhere!  But the truth is it keeps my internal knowing hidden under lock and key.  If I can override the fearful bitch inside who can't stand to hurt someone's feelings (even if they walk all over mine) I can start to give credence to that inner voice that wants to guide me to my psyche's path.  All I have to do is listen, without judgment.  But what if I'm....oh my gosh.....WRONG????  That's when that shy, uncertain child who delivered the message needs love and care most.  Then I say, "It's okay, little one.  You detected something - that we can trust.  Let's brush up on our interpretation just a bit."  Then I hug her and thank her.

Begin again

I've promised myself at least a Brazilian times (just saw an email joke about this, I think it was about a blonde) in the last year that I would start a blog.  So here it is.  I wonder how many times I'll start, then stop, then...begin again.  Very much like my life, down the rabbit hole at warp speed.  The first sixty-one years have flown by except, of course, for the painful parts, which have been long and grueling.  Yet somehow, as they say in twelve step programs, I can't seem to let go of something without leaving claw marks over scars that now have become furrows of raw wounds, still oozing with the guilt and regret and fear that I may never get it right.  But then again, according to Abraham-Hicks, we never get it right.  And we never get it done.  So here is the jumping off point for me and may benefits abound.  My Sole to Soul Journey has begun.