Thursday, August 12, 2010
It's hard for me to know my gut feeling about something. Having to go through layers of childhood emotional defenses has effectively blocked me off from me and my inner knowing. But I'm making progress. I'm beginning to realize that the people in my life either help me to develop my trust for myself or they allow me to push it back within the depths of fear and denial. When someone close tells me something that stirs my gut, I try to acknowledge the message. If I mention it and that particular someone says it's ridiculous, I've always reverted to my trauma point behavior pattern -- I assume they are right and I am wrong. When I do this often enough my gut goes on strike and says "Why, exactly, should I tell you something when all you do is ignore me?" Gosh, that sounds like my mother! I knew she was in there somewhere! But the truth is it keeps my internal knowing hidden under lock and key. If I can override the fearful bitch inside who can't stand to hurt someone's feelings (even if they walk all over mine) I can start to give credence to that inner voice that wants to guide me to my psyche's path. All I have to do is listen, without judgment. But what if I'm....oh my gosh.....WRONG???? That's when that shy, uncertain child who delivered the message needs love and care most. Then I say, "It's okay, little one. You detected something - that we can trust. Let's brush up on our interpretation just a bit." Then I hug her and thank her.